Advice & Support

Gail Saltz, MD

Health Editor
Child Mind Institute

Amy Chua, the Yale Law professor who proudly calls herself a Tiger Mother, has ignited quite a firestorm with her piece, Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior, on the dramatically non-Western way she raised her two very accomplished daughters—without sleepovers, play dates, TV, computer games, grades less than A, or the option not to play the piano or violin brilliantly.

Obviously some of what she claims to have done is over the top—do we really believe the screaming, thrashing, kicking, tearing-things-up fights in which she threatens not only to give her 7-year-old daughter's dollhouse to the Salvation Army but to withhold lunch, dinner, Christmas and Hanukkah presents, and birthday parties "for two, three, four years" if she doesn't succeed in playing a difficult piece of music? But these days, if you want to be heard, it seems to work to make the most extreme case—think Snooki here.

But Chua's argument that American child rearing is ridiculously soft—"even when Western parents think they're being strict, they usually don't come close to being Chinese mothers"—is disturbing partly because some of it is right. Some of it is wrong. And some of it is just different parenting.

Yes to High Expectations

Chua definitely makes the case for setting high expectations for children, for believing that they have a lot of strengths and they'll be able to make use of them, even if they're not always sure themselves. She doesn't assume they're going to fail unless she put all kinds of pillows underneath them and props them up. This not only helps them achieve, but it helps them have that belief in themselves, internalizing high standards and learning that hard work matters a lot. She's less concerned about protecting them from failure than protecting them from giving up to easily.

No to Perfectionism

But here she gets rigid and takes the position that her children can never give up, that they have to be perfect—always No. 1 in the class—and that can be toxic to kids, leading to stress, anxiety, depression and eating disorders. Kids who feel they're loved only if they get the A—or valued only for the last wonderful thing they did—may perform brilliantly on the piano and ace all their exams, but the nagging question, "Why am I valued?" may plague and undermine them for life. And kids need to learn to rebound from failure, too.

Yes to Hard Work

Chua is quite right that the value of working hard—how do you get to Carnegie Hall?—is underrated in our society and our parenting. To excel you need drive, you need ambition, and you need hard work. Talent alone doesn't do it, wishing alone doesn't do it, brilliance alone doesn't do it, beauty alone doesn't do it—even supermodels work hard to get there and stay there. Kids do need to learn early on that work and staying power are essential if they want to do well.

No to Deciding for Them What They Should Excel In

Chau is unapologetic about the fact that she demanded that her girls dedicate themselves to their music—not math or acting or art or medicine—and that they had no choice. When children are very young, you're the voice for them, and that may make sense. But ultimately, if kids don't own the thing they're working towards, as soon as they're out of your grip they may well not only give it up, but give up something they're very good at because they need to separate from you. If you can help them, instead, work hard at something they choose to excel in, you'll be setting them up for life, not just training them to be filial duty-filled children.

Yes, Mastery is Pleasurable

Chua is absolutely right that mastery over something builds confidence, and that there's a lot of pleasure in mastery that children won't experience without serious practice, without acquiring the self-discipline to work hard enough to become really good at something. She's right that a lot of times we let our kids quit at the first sign of boredom or suffering, and that pushing through that wall is an important experience. But the message should be that they can master what they want to be able to do with hard work—not that they're losers if they don't want what you want.

No to the Humiliation

Humiliation is just not an effective tactic to promote mastery. What it promotes is fear. Calling a kid a "piece of garbage" is borderline abusive. Chua says, in effect, "My kids know that I love them and I don't really think they're garbage." But how does she know that her kids don't feel that her love is conditional, based on their achievement? How's it less toxic than parents calling their kids "garbage" because they're gay, or not good athletes, or overweight, or have a learning disorder? Believe me, it's not a good motivator.

Yes, American Parents Are Afraid to Criticize

Chua is right: American parents have gone through a long phase of telling kids that everything they do is fabulous—and kids aren't idiots. It robs parents of credibility when they lavish praise indiscriminately. But there's a difference between constructive criticism and deconstructive criticism. "You're a piece of garbage" doesn't tell a kid how he might have done something better, it's just an indictment of the kid's essence. Kids need to be guided on what didn't go right, what didn't they do, how they might do better.

Yes, More Respect for Parents Is Good

I agree with Chua that children should be taught to respect their parents. Too many parents try to be friends rather than authority figures for their kids, to level the playing field—and the kids treat them accordingly. There's a general decline in respect for authority, expertise, wisdom, that doesn't help kids when they get into the work world, and it doesn't help our society, where instead of listening to each other, everyone seems to be talking over each other, actually screaming at each other, interrupting and insulting, so that no one can be heard without going to extremes. 

Yes, Family Limits Are Great

She has a point in that kids are asked to do too many things. They're expected to be excellent students, they're over-scheduled with lessons and activities, plus they should be super social, go to everything, and there are the constant temptations of the computer, the TV, social media. So I think that having some limits on how many things you can do makes sense, and I like her idea of maintaining the importance of the family integrity. We have dinner together. We're a family. We talk about things, we have values and beliefs, and much of the time family comes first. A strong family is the ballast in the storm of adolescence. You don't want your kids to absorb all their values from their peers.

But Kids Need to Practice Relationships

Never attend a sleepover? I wonder if Chua feels that friendship is unimportant and that's why she's giving her children no opportunity to practice it. If her kids have to have A's in every class, and then can't be with kids their age after school, or be involved in any school activity that allows them to socialize, I wonder how they're supposed to have any clues about friendship or relationships. 

What Is the Goal, Anyway?

Chua seems to feel that the most important goal of parenting, period, is success. The assumption here is that achievement equals happiness. And I do agree that achievement often does correlate with feelings of wellbeing and happiness. Can people who have not achieved be happy? Yes. Can people who have achieved be unhappy? Absolutely. I think that people who do feel a sense of achievement—their own achievement—do often find a lot of pleasure in that. But I question whether you can sustain happiness if your achievement is really born out of guilt. One result is grown children who wrestle their whole lives with being (or not being) what their parents wanted them to be. 

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