Helping Girls With ADHD Make Friends

Social skills don't always come naturally 

Friendships are an important part of growing up. They are good for self-esteem and they teach kids important lessons. It's through friendship that your child will learn to work in a group, solve problems, and be interested in other people. Friendship even helps kids get a better understanding of who they are as individuals.

But social skills don't come naturally to all children. Even when kids want to make—or keep—friends, sometimes they will do things that get in the way.

Making friends can be particularly difficult for kids with ADHD. For example, hyperactive and impulsive kids sometimes have trouble taking turns or not getting their way. They might be too loud and aggressive, or just seem immature to kids their age. All these things make them more likely to face rejection from their peers.

On the other hand, kids with the inattentive form of ADHD are more likely to be ignored. They might act flighty, miss out on social cues, or just not know how to join a group. During recess or a playdate, inattentive kids are more likely to hover outside of the group.

Struggles with friendship can be particularly difficult for girls with ADHD. Girls tend to have complex social structures that are harder to navigate, especially if you're the kind of kid who misses out on subtle cues.

Girls with ADHD might also "stick out" more, since many of the symptoms of the disorder (being impulsive, acting out) aren't traditionally feminine ways to act. This can make them more vulnerable to bullying from "mean girls" at school. 

Also, girls tend to care a lot more about friendship than their male peers, so when friendship is a problem, their sense of self-worth can take a real hit.  

The good news is that there are things you can do to help. Read on for tips and strategies to boost social skills for younger girls and older ones, too.

Do some coaching

For younger children who are having trouble making friends, the first thing to try is some coaching at home.

  • During family playtime, emphasize taking turns and sharing. Explain that friends will expect the same good behavior.
  • Practicing different ways to settle conflict can also be very helpful, especially for more impulsive children. Role-playing is a great way to do this.
  • For kids who need extra help with social skills, use "social scripts," or simple everyday conversations, that kids can practice with their parents. Work with your pediatrician or a therapist to pick appropriate scripts and then rehearse them with your child.
  • Remember that parents are role models! Always demonstrate good social behavior yourself when talking to family members and your own friends. Pay attention to others, be generous, and try to solve conflicts calmly.  

Practice during playdates

"When it comes to helping with social issues, one of the best things parents can do is set up what we call structured play dates," says clinical psychologist Mary Rooney, PhD. Before a playdate starts, Dr. Rooney suggests doing a little prep work together:

  • Talk about what it means to be a good host. What will your daughter do to make her guests feel comfortable?
  • Have your daughter pick out a few games in advance. How will she know when it's time to move on to the next game?
  • Ask your child how she will know if her guests are having a good time. Are they smiling? Laughing?

Afterwards, review with your daughter how it went and focus on some of the good things she did. Say, "Good job sharing with your friend!" instead of just, "Good job." Praise helps motivate kids, especially when it's labeled.

Arrange playdates with younger kids

Kids who have trouble getting along with their peers might have an easier time with younger children. Your daughter might feel less pressured around them, and it's true that she'll be practicing her social skills on a likely more forgiving crowd.

Making friends with younger children can also help build confidence and self-esteem. It's important to keep working on developing age-appropriate social skills, but if a younger set is a better fit for now, that's fine, too. It's important for children to build up positive friendship experiences wherever they can get them.

Talk to the teacher

If your child has been having a hard time making friends, another thing you might want to do is set up a meeting with her teacher. The teacher will have observed how she interacts with her peers, and might be able to point out behaviors that other kids might find annoying. The teacher might also be able to recommend classmates who would be a good candidate for after-school playdates, or pair your daughter up with good partners for group projects.

Help for older kids

Organized sports are great for building friendships. Dr. Rooney notes that sports are particularly good for kids with ADHD because "physical activity can help with attention and focus."

Of course, not all kids like sports, so try to find any kind of structured extracurricular activity. Things like theater, choir, or science clubs can be fantastic. The goal is to find something your daughter likes and is good at. This will help her spend time with other kids who share her interests. It should provide a big confidence boost, too.

Keep making those playdates

Some kids need some help even after they've found an activity to join. If your daughter is having trouble fitting in, try to identify a few children in the group that your daughter might get along better with. Then, arrange some playdates outside of the activity. Try to keep them short and structured, recommends Dr. Rooney. Bowling would be perfect.


Finally, if your child takes medication for ADHD, it might help to make sure play dates and activities are scheduled for times when her medication is still in effect. It can be hard for kids with ADHD to do things like play games, follow rules, change activities, and listen to others without their medication.

Making friends and maintaining relationships can be hard work-for you as well as your child. But showing your daughter that friendship is important, and helping her along the way, can give her a real boost.

Published: February 17, 2014

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flangum · Mar 19 2014 Report

For my ADHD daughter, Skype has been a godsend. She has a lot of fun talking to her friends about gaming and playing online games with them (all within earshot of mom) via her webcam. While I know there are safety issues with webcams etc., the secret is to do all computing within the common area of the house. Also, I have taught my daughter how to use settings on Facebook and other sites so that only her friends can "see" her, and she only interacts with people online that she knows in real life. This allows her to spill over her social activities online into school. Her friendships have definitely expanded and she has blossomed socially as a result.

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